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| I've had an INCREDIBLE night!
As I mentioned in my last blog, I was having difficulties in my love life. And while some of them still bother me (namely, the ex boyfriend), tonight opened up my world more than I had ever thought possible.
I talked to my boyfriend about my desires to be with a woman. He was very supportive and said that it would be ok if I wanted to experiment with one before I went back to school. We agreed that I should try it, and if I liked it, maybe we'd consider inviting a girl to join him and I one night.
Well, I managed to find someone. Today.
A friend of mine was interested in "experimenting" as well, and things went great.
But the best part about the night was: it wasn't just her and I.
see, she said that she'd only agree to doing things with me, if I agreed to let her boyfriend join in.
I talked to my own boyfriend about it. I wanted to be honest with him.
And surprisingly, he was ok with it (as long as I didn't have actual sex with the guy. which i didn't.)
and ohmygod. It was incredible.
They were both such beautiful people to be with inside and out, and they really made sure that each of us were satisfied and comfortable throughout the whole thing. I had the best time. And her! She was incredible.
I gotta say, being in a threesome was probably the best thing ever.
Have any of you ever been in a situation like that? Would you ever consider it? | | |
| So I've decided that I can't continue to deal with my current situation on my own.
So I call upon all of those that use xanga and read my stuff to help! (which is about, 4 of you.)
Currently, I am dating Adam*, who I have been with since mid October. I have never had so much in common with someone in my entire life. We are nearly perfect in everyway. But lately, I have found things in him to be really annoying. For instance, I am his first real girlfriend, and because of that, he is slightly over possessive of me. Not just that, but he is pretty needy and never really lets me have alone time (we go to college together, and I've been staying at his dorm for the past month. everytime I suggest sleeping in my own, he gets upset and thinks that I don't care about him.) he gets mad whenever I try to hang out with one of our friends. if he had it his way, we would stay in his room all day.
however. I have also only noticed these things since being on christmas break. having not seen him for a month, I think that I only feel like this because of that fact. Once I see him again, things will get better, I'm sure.
My ex-boyfriend, Matt* and i were together for 8 months before we broke up in October. he took the break-up terribly. he thought that i was "the one," so he's been depressed ever since. he's attempted suicide, has cut himself, has basically drank himself stupid at times all because of it. i've been trying to keep us as just friends but everytime i mention that we can't be together, he just gets worse. so as a means of somewhat "protecting" him, i have been seeing him behind my boyfriend's back. i don't really have feelings for Matt anymore, I just don't want him to do something stupid. I figure that in time, he'll hopefully need me less and less, and in time I can stop doing this with him for good.
ANOTHER aspect of all of this confusion, is that this girl Danielle* has recently been talking to me. all of my life, I have been waiting to be with a girl. I've liked girls for a while, i've just never had the courage to tell any of the girls that i've liked. but this girl, she told ME. and i like her back. we haven't done anything. yet. but every long-hope i've had from the past keeps telling me JUST DO IT! ONCE WILL BE OK! even though, i know it wouldn't be.
*Names have been changed. Obviously. Just because. | | |
| I have dated 8 men in my life, currently dating number 8.
I have had sex with 4 of these men.
I have also had sex with 3 men that I have never dated.
I have never contracted any sort of disease, except for one.
The disease of being in love.
And while I have only been in true love three times, there are different types of love.
Not one of the guys that I have been with were one night stands, or strangers, no.
They were all people that I respected and spent a lot of time getting to know.
The were all people that I cared about deeply at some point in my life.
I don't consider that being a whore, do you?
What exactly constitutes someone as being a slut?
I know a "whore" is one that takes some form of payment for sex.
But I have never, and will never do that.
So what exactly does one consider a slut to be?
Am I a slut? Or am I just someone who has cared enough about a lot of people to want to be that intimate with them?
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| i'm a liar. I'm proud of that.
I lie about everything. I lie to get out of things, or to make people feel bad for me.
I'm a manipulator. I make people feel bad for being mad or disappointed with me, even if they had good reason to.
I'm a hypocrite. I said I was a vegetarian for 2 years, and I scolded anyone who dared eat meat in front of me. Yet there have been many times where i've driven out to neighboring cities just to find a burger joint where no one knows me.
I'm a backstabber and untrustworthy. I tell secrets. I lie to friends. I've stolen boyfriends.
I'm what some may consider to be a slut. I've had sex with 7 people in the last 3 years, and i'm only 18.
Many of those boys, I wasn't even dating.
I've cheated on all but one of my boyfriends. Sometimes just because I got a sick pride of being with more than one person at once.
There has been times where I was juggling 4 boys at once.
I'm bi-sexual, and only three people know that.
Currently, I'm trying to start a secret relationship with a girl. As well as make my boyfriend of 4 months happy.
I've been pregnant before. and a month later, I had an abortion.
I go to college hours away from where I live, so that I don't have to know anyone.
I have wished death upon people, and meant it.
I've tried to commit suicide. In middle school.
I spend more money than I have. I take money from my family, money that they can't afford to lose.
for what? concerts. food. useless shit that I don't need.
I let my ex boyfriend buy me stuff, because I made him feel like he "owes" me.
this same ex boyfriend, I sleep with from time to time. even though I have a new boyfriend, who I left my ex for.
to be honest, i'm not much of a drinker, and i've smoked once in my life.
i try to sound nonconformist. i make everything that is mainstream sound like shit, when actually, i may secretly like some of what is trendy.
but i am also very generous. i am free with my money and i like buying things for other people, as long as they mean something to me.
i do a ton of favors and i drive people places, free of charge.
i can be really funny. i know how to make people laugh.
i have a good heart. i'm open minded and i don't judge freely. i see the good in most, until i am told or shown otherwise.
i think above all, i am a good person.
i have made bad mistakes, but everyone makes mistakes.
i am a girl.
i am human. | | |
| And thus begins my rude awakening. | | |
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